This whole journey of mine that I keep blogging about is more than just fitness and nutrition, it's also about the mind and soul and sometimes there are days or weeks where I feel like I'm barely keeping my head above water. Today is one of those days. One of those days where I just want to say fuck it about everything. I'm so tired of thinking about my food and meal planning. I'm tired of worrying about my kids and their schooling and how I can help them and whats going to happen to Jack as he nears Grade 1. I'm tired of wondering if I'm a bad mom because the lure of going back to work is always in the back of my mind. I'm tired of wondering if I'm a bad wife because I don't want to do another round of IVF and my husband so badly wants a baby. I'm so tired about worrying about other things going on in our family because I am genetically made as the oldest in the family to feel responsibility for everyone and to want to fix everyones problems which is a joke since I can't seem to fix my own. I'm so tired of not knowing what the hell I want to do with my life when in reality there are sooo many things I want to do but right now in this time, doing any of them just doesn't fit.
So I guess todays blog is about me complaining and whining and not appreciating the amazing things I have in my life. I like being home for my kids when they get home after school and I think it's so important, but I feel like life is passing me by and I'm being very insignificant. When I was working I loved bringing in my own paycheque and seeing adults and having a purpose everyday. And part of me wants that so badly but the other part of me knows I just can't do that right now. My babies need me, they are struggling and needy and I am lucky that I am able to be home with them. So whats the right choice? How do I make everyone happy - kids, hubby and me. Cause right now I don't know that anyone is happy and that makes me so sad. I had a little breakdown with my trainer today. She just knew that something wasn't right and all it took was a quick little hug from her and bam....waterworks. I'm happy I went for my workout because otherwise I never would have gotten dressed today. I had a healthy breakfast and a pretty healthy lunch and dinner will be great. I'm going to go grocery shopping soon and get organized for the week. Plan, plan, plan. Even though I just want to crawl under the covers I will go out there and keep my chin up and go on with my day and take my kids to swimming and make dinner and shower them and get them to bed and then carve out some time to talk to my husband even though to be honest I don't want to do any of it. Some days I just want to run away for 24 hours.
Anyway, tomorrow is another day and it will be better and I'm sure I will be fine. Just one of those days that we all have. So I will hit the shower and maybe have a little cry and then paste a smile on my face and go out into the world and something will happen to cheer me up - I just know it!!
Sarah - openly putting your feelings out there for us to read is brave and NOT whining and complaining. We all have days like this where we hate everything, doubt everything and want to just get in bed and forget everything. I can totally relate as I'm sure every woman/mother can. I have my internal battles about having an only child; what's best for him vs what's best for my life and my marriage? If you have time in the afternoons, put "Ellen" on - even if just for the first 15 mins of the show, have it on in the background when you are doing something else. I was not a fan of her show back in the day but started watching her talk show when I was on mat leave and it always cheered me up! A good laugh will always help.
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